There are many reasons why this day is so difficult. Christmas is just a few days away, a time of celebration and new life. Yet, today I just don't feel it. I keep going back to that morning last year and trying to understand why the weather didn't cooperate, why I didn't try harder, why he didn't hold on. I couldn't be there with him. Knowing my Dad, he probably wanted it just that way.
Today I re post a portion of what I wrote on the first Father's Day I spent without him. Good memories and a lifetime filled with love.
This week has seemed particularly hard for me, our "first" Father's Day without my father is upon us and Monday will be the six-month anniversary of his death. I've been very emotional during the last few days, and the slightest thing brings him to mind.. today it was strawberries, so fragrant and reminiscent of summer... as a child my parents would take us to a local orchard to pick them, I think more ended up in our tummies than in our basket, it's a vivid memory of Dad and caused me to break down right in the produce section of our store. While I started the day a bit weepy, this brought me truly to tears and I barely got through checking out.
Tonight I got to thinking about other memories of him and trying to recall things of my childhood that stood out in my mind. While I of course don't remember much before the age of five or so, I have a few very clear memories of what seem to be very early years.
When I was about four or five I can clearly remember going to a local school carnival while we were visiting family in Massachusetts. While I don't actually recall much about the actual carnival, I do remember Dad leading me through some tall bushes to get in. The school was next door to my grandparents home, the bushes were probably just on the property line, but it felt like an adventure in my youngster mind. Dad would spend $100 on a carnival game to win me a $2 stuffed animal, by the time I was in my teens I had hundreds of them filling my room. I still have a few, I wish I still had them all.
Another early memory of Dad was the building where he worked. My Dad was a Maintenance Manager for a large builder. We lived in a planned community, made up of several mini communities, all of which had their own maintenance department and swimming pool. My Dad worked in an office at the bottom of a high-rise building in our neighborhood. Whenever I was at the office with him I would sneak off and get a ride in the elevator. Problem was that I didn't know how to return to his floor - I must have been pretty young at this point. I would get off the elevator, take in the sights from that floor and then begin to cry and yell for him. I can still hear his voice coming from the upcoming elevator "I'm coming Cindy". He must have had to stop on every floor until he found me.
I could never mention memories of Dad and not mention the music. My Dad was a wonderful musician. He loved country music and could play any instrument that had strings, the harmonica and the piano or keyboard. He had a studio of sorts in our basement where he recorded and on the weekends family and friends would get together and play music, sing and dance together till they couldn't sing anymore... us kids would usually be long sleeping by then, but I can still remember falling to sleep to the sounds of electric guitars, tambourines, and that drum machine that my brother and I loved to play with. When Dad was playing I would stand by, waiting for his instruction on which song to pull out of his book next. He had a black 3-ring binder full of song lyrics... no music, just the lyrics. He could play any song but didn't read music. The sounds of his picking still course through my mind on occasion, and I find myself humming a tune that I've not heard for 20 years.
Since my Mom didn't drive when I was young, Dad was the only driver in our family - another of my earliest memories is visiting the local gas station and always getting a Moon Pie and a Yoohoo drink (when Yoohoo was still in a little glass bottle, not a juice box). Yes, I sat on the front seat of our big gold Pontiac with it's huge doors and vinyl interior... I loved that car and Dad loved Moon Pies. When Mom had to go to the grocery store we would sit in the parking lot and wait for what seemed like hours - after some time he would begin mumbling "come on Barbara" about every 10 minutes.
Once when I was about 8 Dad was helping me fly a kite behind our house. The wind was great that day and the kite kept going up and up and up.... I had no idea that the string would come right off it's spool at the end and the kite would actually fly away... I also had no idea that my Dad could run that fast. Yes, he caught it. My Dad was my hero.
We had a few ponds in that neighborhood, they were right behind our house and in the winter Dad would always be the one to go check the ice to make sure it was safe for all of us kids.
Being very knowledgeable in building, plumbing and all things in construction, Dad was a great builder of forts. This was especially true when he and Mom purchased a new washer and dryer.. who knew that a couple of cardboard boxes could be assembled together to look like a castle and last for months in our basement? My Dad could build anything and fix anything, and he did all his life.
I remember weekends at a campground, being a free spirit in the woods, playing and having a great time... and long hours at the causeway fishing into the wee hours of the morning just because we could (and he couldn't help it :-) Later there would be a boat and long sunny days on the water, and a stop at a local country store for a souvenir, some candy and a soda. I had a wonderful childhood. We spent most all summer weekends at that spot, which is where my Dad loved to be and where he and my Mom eventually bought a home.
My Dad taught me how to shoot. Yes, guns; .22, .357, rifles, handguns.. you name it, he showed me how to shoot it. While I've not even held a weapon in years, I began shooting at about the age of 10 and absolutely loved it.
When I was about 13 years old I tried to pierce my ears - yes, all by myself. I thought Dad would pass out when I walked down the stairs with a needle in my earlobe, asking him if he could push it through the rest of the way - I just couldn't get a good grip. Dad patiently led me to the powder room, helped me hold ice on and finished piercing it, then he did the other one. I think of him every time I fiddle with my earrings.
In my late teens Dad took me to buy my first car (a pickup truck), took me to my first football game (Redskins). 19 years ago on Father's Day I told my Dad that I was expecting his first Grandchild. Last year I didn't make it down to see him on Father's Day, although something told me that I really should. Now, a year later I'm left with a bit of guilt over that, but his memory and his love surround me everyday and the memories of my childhood will always remain with me. My Dad was a great person. He was always fair and caring, liked to have fun, and certainly a pushover when it came to his kids and his grandchildren.
During the last 15 years my memories of Dad include fishing, trips on the boat and the adventures at his home on the Bay. My gosh how he loved that place. He would take that boat out and fish all day and not catch one thing... he didn't even care and would go out and do it all again the next day if he could find a willing passenger. We would sit on the wall in front of their place until the wee hours of the morning, talking, fishing and just enjoying each others' company. One night after all had gone inside, he and I were there together at about 2am. Nothing much was biting and we were just enjoying the night when it started to rain. After a few moments and drip drops I turned to him and said "Dad, it's raining", to which he said "It's just a passing shower"... and there we sat, in the middle of the night in the rain.. just for the fish.
When I was a young adult, every year Dad and I went together to the local mall for a Cinnabon, Mocha Latte and Christmas shopping. It was a day to find gifts for my Mom. Dad absolutely loved Christmas and loved giving gifts, but he hated shopping... the Cinnabons made it all worth while. In the car we would listen to Charlotte Church belt out a wonderful Christmas tune and we really enjoyed our day together. Silent Night is a song that I can hardly listen to now, bringing me almost to the point of sobbing. Looking back, I imagine that Christmas was a lot of work for Mom, since I'm sure that Dad didn't do any of it without the Cinnabons. I do know that on Christmas Eve the two of them would make drinks and close themselves in their bedroom, only emerging when a supply was needed or to get drink refills. They would wrap presents together until the early morning hours. Christmas at our house was magical.
My Mom wrote a Christmas tribute to him a few days ago that I will post here:
Christmas will never lose its glow and excitement for me… I know I’ll get that same warm feeling each time I see the decorations in the stores, the tug on my heart at the grand children’s excitement of visiting Santa, or unwrapping all the familiar and much cherished decorations that we collected in our forty some years together.
The many Christmas Eves wrapping presents, having a drink and listing to Christmas Carols, we loved those moments together. This year listening to Christmas carols, well it’s hard... they always did make me melancholy and weepy. All these memories I have of past Christmases shared with family and friends.
Christmas will never lose its glow and excitement for me…but this year it comes with a deep loneliness because your not here to share it with us.
Merry Christmas Don, I love you and miss you.
This won't be our first Christmas without Dad, but somehow it certainly feels like it. I love you and miss you much Daddy, you're always in my heart.
